As
parents and educators, we worry about many areas of our children's
decision-making — sex, drugs, drinking, drinking and driving — where the wrong
choices can carry a high cost. But we sense that they are most vulnerable, most
at risk emotionally as well as physically, in the sexual area of their lives.
The damage to our children's health, heart, and character from premature sexual
involvement may go deeper, and last longer, than the effects of any other
mistakes they might make.
I lost my
virginity when I was 15. My boyfriend and I thought we loved each other. But
once we began having sex, it completely destroyed any love we had. I felt he
was no longer interested in spending time with me — he was interested in
spending time with my body.
—
A TWENTY-YEAR-OLD YOUNG WOMAN
I wish someone
had been preaching abstinence in my ear when I was in high school. That was
when my sexual activity started. I don't even want to think about my college
years. I wish I had saved this for my wife.
—
A TWENTY-SIX-YEAR-OLD HUSBAND
Sandy, a bright and pretty girl, asked to see her 9th-grade health teacher, Mr.
Bartlett, during lunch period. She explained that she had never had a boyfriend,
so she was excited when a senior asked her out.
After they dated for several weeks, he asked her to have sex with him. She was
reluctant, but he persisted. She was afraid of appearing immature and losing
him, so she consented.
"Did it work?" Mr. Bartlett gently asked. "Did you keep him?"
Sandy replied: "For another week. We had sex again, and then he dropped me. He
said I wasn't good enough. There was no spark."
She continued: "I know what you're going to say. I take your class. I know now
that he didn't really love me. I feel so stupid."1
Brian, a college senior, recounts his first sexual experience:
I first had
intercourse with my girlfriend when we were 15. I'd been going with her for
almost a year, and I loved her very much. She was friendly, outgoing,
charismatic. We'd done everything but have intercourse, and then one night
she asked if we could go all the way.
A few days later,
we broke up. It was the most painful time of my life. I had opened myself up
to her more than I had to anybody, even my parents. I was depressed, moody,
and nervous. My friends dropped me because I was so bummed out. I felt like
a failure. I dropped out of sports. My grades weren't terrific.
I didn't go out
again until I got to college. I've had mostly one-night stands. I'm afraid
of falling in love.2
As
parents and educators, we worry about many areas of our children's
decision-making — sex, drugs, drinking, drinking and driving — where the wrong
choices can carry a high cost. But we sense that they are most vulnerable, most
at risk emotionally as well as physically, in the sexual area of their lives.
The damage to our children's health, heart, and character from premature sexual
involvement may go deeper, and last longer, than the effects of any other
mistakes they might make.
"I'm 42 years old," a high school teacher said to me after a workshop on this
topic, "and I'm still dealing with emotional issues stemming from sexual
relationships when I was young." Because sexual decisions have such important
life consequences, a strong home-school partnership — committed to helping our
children make wise choices — is nowhere more important than it is in this
domain.
Sex, however, is delicate territory. The potential for controversy is higher
here than in any other area of education. But four decades after the sexual
revolution, there is emerging common ground. Abstinence is now recognized to be
the wisest choice for many reasons. More than a half-million unmarried teens get
pregnant each year. Having a baby when you are an unmarried teenager is the
surest route to poverty for you and your child. One in three sexually active
singles gets an STD by age 24. Until the mid-1970s, there were only two common
STDs — syphilis and gonorrhea; now there are more than 20.
Condoms haven't solved these problems. The typical annual
failure rate for adult couples using condoms to prevent pregnancy is 14%; the
failure rate for teens can go as high as 30% because alcohol or drug use often
reduces their ability to use condoms correctly or at all. Over the past 20
years, teens have shown the greatest increase in the use of condoms but
simultaneously the greatest increase in STDs. A 2001 National Institutes of
Health report, summarizing hundreds of studies, concluded that condoms reduce
sexual transmission of HIV/AIDS by 87% (if used 100% of the time), provide about
50% protection against gonorrhea, but provide no proven protection against
six of the leading eight STDs, including human papilloma virus (the cause
of virtually all cervical cancer), chlamydia (the fastest growing cause of
infertility), and herpes.3 One reason condoms don't provide better
protection against STDs is that the germs can be passed on by skin-to-skin
contact in the whole genital region, only part of which is covered by the
condom. (For a summary of the NIH results and related research, see the
publication Sex, Condoms and STDs: What We Now Know,
www.medinstitute.org4)
Sex and the human heart
For human beings, of course, sex is about much more than the body. Our entire
person is involved. That's why sex has uniquely powerful emotional and spiritual
consequences. And there is no condom for the heart.
To
educate adequately about human sexuality, both schools and parents must
therefore address the emotional hurts and regrets that commonly follow temporary
sexual relationships. According to a 2000 survey conducted by the National
Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, 72% of teenage girls and 55% of boys who
have had sexual intercourse say they wish they had waited.
Many adults also express sexual regrets. A young married woman confided to her
counselor: "I had a lot of partners before marriage. I know it's affected my
ability to bond with my husband." Says John Diggs, M.D., a physician-abstinence
educator who talks to students about human relationships: "You can have many
friends, but it just doesn't work to have many sexual partners." Research finds
that couples who were not sexually involved before marriage and are faithful to
their spouse during marriage are more satisfied with their current sex life than
those involved sexually before marriage or engaged in extramarital affairs.5
Although the emotional fallout from uncommitted sex is only recently getting
attention, we've known about it for a long time. At a 1999 "Beyond Relativism"
conference at George Washington University, Dr. Armand Nicholi, clinical
professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, commented:
Not long after
the sexual revolution was underway, clinicians — even orthodox Freudians —
observed that the new sexual freedom was creating a psychological disaster.
We began to study Harvard students who complained of emptiness and
despondency.
There was a gap
between their social conscience and the morality of their personal lives.
The new sexual permissiveness was leading to empty relationships and
feelings of self-contempt. Many of these students were preoccupied with the
passing of time and with death. They yearned for meaning, for a moral
framework. When some of them moved away from moral relativism to a system of
clear values — typically embracing a drug-free lifestyle and strict sexual
code — they reported that their relationships with the opposite sex
improved, as did their relations with peers in general, their relationship
with their parents, and their academic performance.
Because sex has profound personal and social consequences, ethical sexuality6
— acting with respect for oneself and others — must be considered part of good
character. Sex education must therefore be character education. It must, as
Boston educator Kevin Ryan points out, teach students that learning to bring
self-discipline to their sexuality is a means of developing their character and
preparing themselves for a deep, loving relationship as an adult.
A sexually toxic environment
For both schools and families, the task of teaching sexual self-control is made
much more difficult by the fact that young people today are growing up in a
world that pushes sex at them constantly. A mother of an 8th-grader picked up a
copy of Teen People magazine for the first time and was "amazed . . .
it was page after page of young teens dressed in very provocative ways and in
very provocative poses."7
An
8th-grade boy quoted in The New York Times said his interest in sex
began in 3rd-grade when he started watching "Beverly Hills 90210." "The people
were cool," he said. "I wanted to try what they were doing on the show."
James Coughlin, author of the abstinence education program Facing Reality,
comments: "We socialize kids to have sex. No culture in human history has ever
done this to its children."
Faced with this moral environment, what strategies can we use to teach our
children to make good sexual choices, ones that will build their character and
protect their heart, health, and happiness?
Be clear about
what kids need in order to avoid premature sex
To exercise
sexual wisdom in today's world, young people need three things: (1)
internally held convictions about why it makes sense to save sexual intimacy
for a truly committed relationship; (2) strengths of character — such as
good judgment, self-control, modesty, genuine respect for self and others,
and the courage to resist sexual pressure and temptation; and (3) support
systems for living out this commitment — including, ideally, support from
their families, faith communities, schools, and at least one good friend who
has made the decision to wait.
Point out the
positive trends
We can take heart
from the fact — and should certainly point out to our children — that
despite all the pressures, growing numbers of young people are not getting
sexually involved.
A December 2002
Newsweek cover story titled "The New Virginity" reported the
Centers for Disease Control's latest data: High school students who have not
had sexual intercourse are now in a majority (52%) for the first time in 25
years. Moreover, only one-third of 3 students say they are "currently
sexually active."8 Most of this change is accounted for by an
increase in the virginity rate — up more than 10% in the 1990s — among high
school boys.9
Help kids
understand why some young people get sexually involved
Kids are less
likely to be pulled into sexual activity themselves if they have insight
into why some of their peers do get sexually involved. Knowledge is power.
As parents and educators, we can help young people step back from the scene
and understand the many factors that can lead to sexual activity.
Sexual
attraction. Human beings are sexual creatures; we are sexually
interested in and attracted to others. Sexual desire doesn't compel anyone
to have sex, but in the absence of inhibiting counterinfluences it can
easily lead to sexual activity.
No good reason
not to. "I got sexually involved," says a college senior, "because I
couldn't answer the question, 'Why shouldn't I have sex?'"
Partner
pressure. Pressure from a partner — a boyfriend or girlfriend they
wanted to keep — is the reason teens most often cite for their initial
decision to have sex.10
Desire to
express love. Many young people think sex is simply a natural way to
express the love they feel for each other.
Desire to be
normal. Says a high school health teacher: "In recent years, many kids
have gotten it into their heads that there is something wrong with them if
they haven't had sexual intercourse by the time they're 16."
6. Early
dating. A study in the Journal of Adolescent Research found
that of those who began single dating when they were 7th-graders, 71% of
boys and 90% of girls had intercourse by the time they graduated from high
school.11 Of those who did not begin single dating until age 16,
only 16% of boys and 18% of girls had sexual intercourse by high school
graduation.
Steady dating.
The same study found that steady dating, which typically increases the
time a couple spends alone, significantly increased the likelihood of sexual
intercourse.
Need for
intimacy. Many young people, especially girls, turn to sex to try to
meet the need for intimacy. "If Dad isn't there giving non-sexual
attention," says one psychologist, "a girl will often go after sexual
attention from boys."
Low
self-worth. Says a girl who got pregnant at 15: "My brothers and their
girlfriends said if you didn't do it, you were a nerd. I had always been
sort of an outcast, and I didn't want to be called a nerd."
The search for
identity. Says Cheryl Jones, an adolescent therapist: "I see girls who
up until now have been the perfect kid — straight As, followed all the
rules. Then they turn 15 or 16, and they think, 'I don't want to be just
what my parents want me to be.' They know what they don't what to
be, but they don't know what to be — so they become the opposite, a
kind of anti-personality." (Becoming one's own person as a teenager is less
likely to involve this kind of rebellion if parents, from childhood on, have
been helping their children to define their own interests and sense of
self.)
A change in
environment. For some young people, sexual activity starts when they
enter a new environment such as college, where there is the potential to
live much more freely.
Parental
permissiveness. Fourteen-year-old Courtney complained that her parents
"let me go over to my boyfriend's house when they know his parents aren't
home. That is weird." Eventually, she and her boyfriend had sex.
Parents'
example. Says a high school boy who lives with his divorced father:
"What's the big deal about sex? A lot of my dad's girlfriends spend the
night."
Nothing better
to do. In the South Bronx, New York, where the teen pregnancy rate is
nearly twice the national norm, a community agency sponsored an essay
contest for adolescents on the question, "How Can the Problem of Teenage
Pregnancy Be Solved?" One of the winning essays argued that many teens have
sex "because they are bored — they have nothing better to do." One pregnancy
prevention program found that when teens got involved in community service,
the pregnancy rate dropped.
Sex education
that doesn't send a clear abstinence message. Says a high school boy in
Los Angeles: "They pass out condoms, teach pregnancy-this and STD-that, but
they never really say it's wrong."
Sexual abuse.
One in four girls and one in six boys is sexually abused by age 18.
Sexually abused youth, often because of their low self-worth, are more
likely to become sexually active — often with older partners.
Drugs and
alcohol. Drugs and alcohol impair moral judgment and weaken inhibitions.
Teens who say they have used drugs or been drunk in the past month, for
example, are much more likely to have had sex than teens who have never been
drunk or used drugs.12
A highly
sexualized environment. A sexually stimulating media culture sends the
unrelenting message that sex is the center of the universe. Add to this, the
sexualized peer environment created by young people themselves, including
increasingly provocative dress.
4. Talk about what counts as "sex"
Given the fact that many young people are having oral and even anal sex and
still think they're "virgins," we want to be sure to talk about what counts as
"sex." Here, for example, are some things we can say about oral sex:
Oral sex is
definitely a sexual act. That's why they call it oral sex.
It's usually
something boys ask girls to perform on them.
No boy who truly
cares about or respects a girl would ever ask her to do this.
All of
the sexually transmitted diseases can be passed on through oral sex.
Doctors, for example, report seeing more and more teens with oral herpes.
If you engage in
oral sex, especially if you're a girl, you are in danger of experiencing the
same emotional hurts — low self-esteem, feeling used, feeling degraded —
that can follow uncommitted sexual intercourse.
If you're a boy
and are getting girls to do this, even if they seem willing, you are abusing
the girl (would you want somebody doing this to your sister?) and abusing
your own sexuality (is this something you want the person you may marry to
know?).
If you engage in
this behavior, you're not treating your body with reverence for the sacred
gift that it is.
Most parents and educators will also want to give guidance about "how far is too
far." Not everyone will agree on where to draw the line, but I think it's best
to draw it conservatively — for example, at "brief hugs and light kissing." We
can explain: "Sex is progressive. If you're strict with yourself, you won't find
yourself struggling with the temptation to go a little bit farther the next
time." A high school counselor put it this way: "If you don't want to drive over
a cliff, don't pull up to the edge and race the engine."
5. Teach kids non-sexual ways to be intimate
Since many kids are looking for love when they get involved in sex, both parents
and schools need to talk to them about what real intimacy is and how to achieve
it.
True human intimacy means knowing another person — their thoughts, feelings,
hopes, and dreams — and being known by them. We have to learn how to
attain this kind of intellectual, emotional, and spiritual intimacy. If we don't
learn this, we'll be handicapped in our adult relationships — in our marriages
and our relationships with our children.
We
can teach young people — and have them practice it at school and at home — the
skills of intimacy, such as the art of asking questions that draw out the inside
of another person and create meaningful and enjoyable conversation. Questions
such as:
What are two
things you really enjoy doing?
What are two
things you're good at?
Who is someone
you admire? Why?
What's one of
your greatest achievements in life so far?
What is a way
you've helped another person? A way another person has helped you in your
life?
What's one way
you've changed as a person?
What was a
disappointment that was tough to deal with when it happened but helped you
become a stronger or wiser person?
How do you make
decisions about important things?
What do you worry
about?
What is something
you have strong beliefs about?
What is something
in your life that you're grateful for?
What are two of
your most important goals in life?
What is your
concept of God, if you believe there is a God? When do you feel closest to
God?
6. Offer a vision
Young persons are thinking human beings, and they need a way to think about sex
that will ground them and make their decisions solid. It's clearly not enough
just to encourage them to "wait." They want to know what they're waiting for.
To get to college? To turn a certain age? Until they feel "ready"? Or until
they're in a mature, committed relationship where sex makes sense because it
expresses and deepens that genuine commitment?
Historically, of course, we've called such a commitment marriage. In schools,
saving sex for the committed relationship of marriage is increasingly being
presented to students as a decision that has many benefits — for them, the
children they may bring into the world (whose chances of school and life success
are dramatically better with two parents), and society as a whole. To be
effective, however, a "save sex for marriage" message can't be delivered in
soapbox fashion with preachy moralizing. It has to be offered as a vision with
persuasive power, expressed in rational terms that appeal to young people's
intelligence.
Different teachers and parents will choose different ways of articulating this
vision. Here is one approach:
Sex is so special
it deserves a special home. It's most meaningful, most fulfilling, when it's
part of something bigger — a continuing, loving relationship between two
human beings. When you're married, your sexual intimacy expresses your total
commitment to each other. You're saying with your body, "I give myself to
you, completely." Not being totally committed changes the meaning of the sex
act. Then it's not part of the complete giving of yourself. Even if you're
engaged, you can always get disengaged. Half of the couples who are engaged
have been engaged before.
From this
perspective, you join your bodies when you join your lives. The ultimate
intimacy belongs within the ultimate commitment. Of course, saving sex for
marriage, by itself, doesn't guarantee a successful marriage; that requires
hard work and sacrificial love from both spouses. But marriage is the best
place for sex because it's the most serious, total, and public commitment
between two people that human society has ever been able to devise.
Here's a second approach, a little more philosophical but one that adolescents
can still get their minds around:
We're all made in
such a way that certain choices or ways of acting "work" and make us happy,
and others don't. There's a law that governs human nature and human
relationships, just as there's a law that governs physical nature. Toss a
ball up, and it comes down. Treat people badly, and you lose their respect
and eventually your self-respect. Actions have consequences.
What are the
natural consequences of having sex? Bonding and babies. If you have sex with
someone, you're very likely to create an attachment, a bond. If you have
sex, you may also create a new human life, even if you're trying to avoid
that.
Both of these
consequences — an emotional attachment and a new life — can be the source of
great happiness in a relationship where two people have made a real
commitment to stay together. But if that kind of secure commitment doesn't
exist, then a child brought into the world won't have two parents to love
and raise that child. And if a binding commitment doesn't exist, the
emotional attachment created by sex will, in most cases, be broken — causing
emotional pain. And if a secure commitment doesn't exist, then a child
brought into the world won't have two parents to love and raise him or her.
A child born out of wedlock who grows up without a father, for example, is
more likely to have problems in school, problems in peer relationships, and
problems later in life.
And here's a third approach that brings religion into the picture. If you have
religious faith as a parent, you'll want to integrate that into the moral
upbringing of your child. Even public school teachers can objectively describe
religious world views — in the spirit of teaching about religion,
something that the Supreme Court's 1963 decision (which banned school-sponsored
prayer) actually urged schools to do as part of their responsibility to educate
students about their cultural heritage. A teacher can introduce a religious
vision of sexuality by saying, for example, "A public school can't
constitutionally promote religion, but it has an obligation, as a matter of
fairness, to include religious perspectives along with other views." For
example:
Rabbinic teaching
for at least 2,500 years has consistently opposed premarital sex. Judaism
enshrines sexual intercourse as a sanctified element in the most intimate
and meaningful relationship between two human beings: the sacred marriage
bond. — Rabbi Isaac Frank
The promise of
two people to belong always to each other makes it possible for lovemaking
to mean total giving and total receiving. It's the totality of married life
that makes sexual intercourse meaningful. — Father Richard McCormick
Islam views
sexual love as a gift from God. It is a sign of God's love and mercy. It is
permitted only to those couples who have joined themselves in a lawful
marriage. — Muzammil Siddiqi, Islamic teacher
7. Talk about the emotional dangers of uncommitted sex
What are the various emotional dangers of uncommitted sex that we should be
aware of as adults and help young people name and understand? Here are ten:
1. Worry about pregnancy and disease.Becky, 13, first had sex with her
15-year-old boyfriend. She knew her parents and other family members would
be hurt if they found out. When she missed her period, she went into a
panic. She even had thoughts of committing suicide. Finally, she confided in
her grandmother, who took her to get a pregnancy test. To Becky's great
relief, it was negative. With her grandmother's support, she decided she
didn't want to go though that again and broke up with her boyfriend.
Says Russell
Henke, health education coordinator in the Montgomery Public Schools: "I see
kids going to the nurse in schools, crying a day after their first sexual
experience, and wanting to be tested for AIDS. For some, it's enough to
cause them to stay away from further sexual involvement."
2. Regret and
self-recrimination. Both guys and girls can suffer sharp regret
following a sexual relationship, but girls are usually more vulnerable. A
girl who sees sex as a way to "show you care" may feel cheated and used when
the boy doesn't show a greater romantic interest after the sexual
experience. Says a 15-year-old girl: "I didn't expect the guy to marry me,
but I never expected him to avoid me in school."
Sometimes the
regret goes in the other direction; a person feels trapped after a
relationship turns sexual. Says a 16-year-old girl: "I truly regret that my
first time was with a guy that I didn't care that much about. Since that
first night, he expects sex on every date. I'd like to end this relationship
and date others, but after being so intimate, it's awfully tough."
Guys who get
emotionally as well as sexually involved with a girl can also suffer deep
regrets. Here's one who did:
A year ago I
started dating a girl two years younger. We fell head over heels in
love. When I would go to her house, her folks would go to bed early so
we could be alone.
We started
necking a little, and then all the time. I started getting a little
fresh, and she resisted, but she finally gave in for fear of losing me.
Before we knew it, we had gone too far.
We started
feeling guilty about what we were doing, but we consoled ourselves that
we were in love and that as soon as she was out of school, we'd be
married. Then one night we had a terrible argument, and although it had
nothing to do with sex, I know it would never have happened if we had
been behaving ourselves.
Anyway, she
hit me, and I hit her back. I have never forgiven myself for that. She
went running home and told her mother everything that happened
between us. You can imagine what happened after that.
I was going
to college at the time. I couldn't keep my mind on my studies. Finally,
I knew I was flunking out, so I quit college and joined the Navy. I saw
her on the street just once before I left for basic training. She cried
and told me she still felt the same about me, but it was too late then.
I'd give
anything in the world if she had stuck by her guns and I hadn't been so
persistent. Any girl who thinks she has to put out to keep a guy is
crazy. I would have stayed with her if she had only let me hold her
hand. But I was selfish.13
3. Guilt.
Guilt is a special form of regret — a strong sense of having done something
morally wrong. A 16-year-old boy in California said he stopped having sex
with girls when he saw and felt guilty about the pain he was causing: "You
see them crying and confused. They say they love you, but you don't love
them."
Guilt after sex
may stem from one's religious convictions. Lucian Shulte, a Roman Catholic,
says his parents taught him the importance of chastity, and he had always
planned to wait until he was married to have sex. But then one warm summer
night, he found himself with a girl who was very willing — and they had
intercourse. It was over in a hurry and lacked any intimacy. He says:
In the
movies, when people have sex, it's always romantic. Physically, it felt
good, but emotionally it felt really awkward. I was worried that our
relationship was now going to be a lot more serious than it was before.
It was like, "Now what is she going to expect from me?"14
He felt guilty
about what he had done and also worried about pregnancy and disease. He
promised himself, never again.
Now, as a college
student, he's still faithful to that decision. Lucian's story is an example
of "renewed" or "emotional" virginity. It shows that regardless of past
mistakes, a young person can start over. We need to emphasize that point
with our students and children: You can't change the past, but you can
choose the future.
Many teens — more
than 300,000 a year — turn to abortion when they find themselves facing a
pregnancy. As both sides of the abortion debate now acknowledge, abortion
ends a developing life (there's a beating heart at 18 days, measurable brain
waves at 6 weeks). Many women experience guilt and other emotional
repercussions after abortion, sometimes right away, sometimes years later.
Here, for example, is a column by a young mother, now in her early 30s,
about the abortion she had when she was in college:
It was my
sophomore year. I came back from winter break sick as a dog. The doctor
in the campus infirmary took a urine test and told me in a
non-judgmental way that I was pregnant. "What would you like to do?" he
asked. "I want to get rid of it," I said. He quietly wrote down the
phone number and address of the local Planned Parenthood.
The
"procedure" was surprisingly simple. There was strong cramping, but I
could handle that. If someone had asked me right then how I felt about
what I had just done, I would have said, "Wow, this is great! I have my
health back, I have my life back!"
Go ahead, ask
me now. I am, at this moment, crying.
How callous I
was. Just a kid, really. Self-centered and shallow. There were, and are
now, so many other alternatives.
I am humbled
by my two amazing living children. Most of all, I am humbled by my
friend, Amy. She felt so strongly for her miscarried unborn child that
she gave the child a name and a funeral. I didn't give mine a second
thought — until I grew up.15
Guys, too, can
suffer from the emotional aftershocks of abortion. Bottom line: Abortion is
not a quick fix. Our children need to know that.
4. Loss of
self-esteem and self-respect. Many persons suffer a loss of self-esteem
after they find out they have a sexually transmitted disease. John had not
heard of human papilloma virus (HPV) before he had sex with his girlfriend.
Soon after, he noticed some small bumps on his penis. His physician told him
he had genital warts caused by HPV. The warts did not respond well to acid
treatment, laser techniques, and excisional surgery. After protracted
unsuccessful treatments, he began to worry if he would ever be able to marry
because of the warts.16
Sometimes the
loss of self-esteem after uncommitted sex leads a person into further sexual
relationships of a demeaning nature. Says a college senior who works as a
residence hall director:
There are
girls in our dorm who have had multiple pregnancies and multiple
abortions. Because they have so little self-esteem, they will settle for
any kind of attention from guys. So they keep going back to the same
kind of destructive situations and relationships that got them into
trouble in the first place.
On both sides of
dehumanized sex, there is a loss of dignity and self-worth. A 20-year-old
college guy confides: "You feel pretty crummy when you get drunk at a party
and have sex with some girl, and then the next morning you can't even
remember who she was."
5. The
corruption of character. When people treat others as sexual objects,
they not only lose self-respect; they corrupt their character in the
process.
Frequently, sex
corrupts character by leading people into lying to get sex. Common lies: "I
love you" and "I've never had an STD." In one study, three-fourths of men
who knew they had a sexually transmitted disease said they had sex without
telling their partners about their infection.
The Rhode Island
Rape Crisis Center, in a 1988 survey of 1,700 students grades 6 to 9, asked,
"Is it acceptable for a man to force sex on a woman if they've been dating
for more than six months?" Sixty-five percent of the boys said yes. So did
49% of the girls.17
Sex that isn't
tied to love and commitment undermines character by subverting self-respect,
self-control, and responsibility. Unchecked by a moral code, sexual desires
and impulses easily run amuck and lead to habits of exploiting others.
6. Shaken
trust. Young people who feel used or betrayed after the break-up of a
sexual relationship may experience difficulty with trusting in future
relationships. They don't want to be burned again. This can happen to both
sexes.
7. Rage over
betrayal. Every so often, the media carry a story about a person who had
a rage reaction following a ruptured sexual relationship. Not long ago, our
local paper carried a story about a 27-year-old guy named Scott who had been
living for a year and a half with his girlfriend Linda. They had made plans
to marry. Then, with no warning or explanation, she moved out of their
apartment.
Scott said, "I
couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep." When he found that Linda girlfriend was
dating another guy, he lost it, went into a jealous rage, and stabbed her
new boyfriend to death.
It's true that
people often feel angry when somebody breaks up with them, even if sex
hasn't been involved. But the sense of betrayal is usually much greater if
sex has been part of the relationship.
8. Depression
and suicide. Given what we know about the emotional aftermath of broken
sexual relationships, it is reasonable to think that the pain from such
break-ups is a factor in the suicide deaths of some young people. According
to a 1991 study in the journal Pediatrics, the attempted suicide
rate for sexually experienced girls between the ages of 12 and 16 is six
times higher than it is for girls that age who are virgins.18 Dr.
Kirk Johnson reports 2003 data from the National Longitudinal Study of
Adolescent Health showing that boys between 14 and 17 who are sexually
active are significantly more likely to feel depressed and attempt suicide
than boys who are not sexually active.
9. Ruined
relationships. Sex can turn a good relationship bad. Says 24-year-old
Karen:
With each
date, my boyfriend's requests for sex became more convincing. After all,
we did love each other. Within two months, I gave in. Over the next six
months, sex became the center of our relationship. At the same time, new
things entered — anger, impatience, jealousy, and selfishness. We just
couldn't talk anymore. We grew very bored with each other. I desperately
wanted a change.19
10. Negative
effects on marriage. Most teens say they dream of being happily married
someday. As parents and teachers, we can help them orient toward this goal
by asking: "If you have this dream, what sexual decisions at this point in
your life will help you attain it? What problems might be caused by being
sexually intimate before marriage?" Here are four such problems:
Comparisons. Says one young husband: "When I make love with my wife,
I think, 'This girl could kiss better,' or 'This girl could do that
better.' I can't get rid of the comparisons."
Infidelity. Studies reported in the Journal of Marriage and the
Family find that persons who are sexually active before marriage
are more likely to be unfaithful to their spouses after marriage.
Infertility. One in five newly married American couples cannot
conceive a baby. Infertility is a tremendous stress on a marriage. If it
was caused by a sexually transmitted disease such as chlamydia, the
stress is even greater.
A greater
chance of divorce. Sex can also fool you into marrying the wrong
person. Comment John and Kathy Colligan, experienced counselors of
couples preparing for marriage: "We see many engaged couples who are
living together. We find out by talking with them that they have little
in common. They haven't discussed their values and goals. We can see
that this is a marriage likely to fail — and time after time, it does."
Seven different
studies, summarized in David Myers's book The Pursuit of Happiness,
all find that couples who lived together before their marriage are
significantly more likely to divorce than couples who did not live together.20
If you really want to get to know somebody and find out whether you want to
spend your life with that person, sex can make that harder, not easier, to
do.
8. Discuss the rewards of waiting
Important as it is to discuss the dangers of uncommitted sex, it's also
important to help young people identify, in positive tersms, benefits of saving
sex for the truly committed relationship of marriage. Here are nine rewards of
waiting:21
Waiting will make
your dating relationships better. You'll spend more time getting to know
each other.
Waiting will help
you find the right mate (someone who values you for the person you are).
Waiting will
increase your self-respect.
Waiting will gain
the respect of others.
Waiting teaches
you to respect others (you'll never tempt or pressure anyone).
Waiting takes the
pressure off you.
Waiting means a
clear conscience (no guilt) and peace of mind (no conflicts, no regrets).
Waiting means a
better sexual relationship in marriage (free of comparisons, based on
trust). By waiting, you're being faithful to your spouse even before you
meet him or her.
By practicing the
virtues involved in waiting — such as faithfulness, good judgment,
self-control, modesty, and genuine respect for self and others — you're
developing the kind of character that will make you a good marriage partner
and that will attract a person of character — the kind of person
you'd like to marry and would like to be the father or mother of your
children.22
9. Talk about tough issues
We
need to address three other sexual issues, ones that adults often find hard to
talk about but that young people need guidance on especially in today's sexual
culture.
Pornography
The Internet has made pornography more accessible to youth of all ages.
According to one survey, kids under the age of 17 spend 65% more time on
Internet pornography sites than they do on game sites.23
We
can say to young people: "Pornography debases sex. It violates the dignity of
the human person and the dignity of the human body. It treats people as sex
objects. It also puts images in our minds that we may not be able to forget,
even when we want to."
Pornography is also addictive. Like other addictions, it brings short-term
pleasure but then starts to run your life. It will lower your self-respect.24
Later on, the habit of pornography can cause marital problems. Wives whose
husbands are involved with pornography often feel demeaned, betrayed, and
isolated from their husbands — victims of a kind of spiritual adultery.
For males, the use of pornography is also usually accompanied by masturbation.
These two habits then reinforce each other, making it harder to break either
one.
Masturbation
"Expert" advice regarding masturbation has swung between extremes — from doctors
in the 19th century attributing various diseases and even insanity to this
habit, to recommendations by some 20th century sex educators encouraging the
young to masturbate as a healthy way to "explore their sexuality" and as a safe
alternative to intercourse. Many parents, however, without resorting to scare
tactics, wish to gently but firmly help their children resist this temptation.
For some parents, the reason may be religious — their belief that sex is meant
by God to be relational, an expression of love between two persons. "The problem
with masturbation," as one father explained to his 13-year-old son, "is that
it's having sex with yourself." There are also psychological considerations:
Once masturbation becomes a habit, it is hard to stop and may lessen a young
person's feelings of self-respect. Many teens use masturbation as a way to
escape emotions of anxiety or depression, and end up feeling worse because the
problem is still there. Carried into marriage, the habit of masturbation can
weaken the attraction between husband and wife and cause problems in their
sexual relationship.
Homosexuality
There is no scientific consensus about the factors influencing sexual
orientation. Columbia University researchers William Byne and Bruce Parsons
reviewed 135 studies on sexual orientation and concluded: "There is no evidence
at present to substantiate a biological [genetic] theory, just as there is no
evidence to support any single psychological explanation."25
Some young people are unsure of their sexual orientation in their teens.
By
adulthood, however, only about 2% of the population self-identify as homosexual.26
Several studies have found a significantly higher risk of attempted suicide
among teens who identify themselves as homosexual or bisexual. For each year's
delay in bisexual or homosexual self-identification, however, the odds of a
suicide attempt diminish significantly.27 Higher rates of depression,
anxiety, and other psychological problems have been found among adults who
report "some homosexual experience in the past 12 months" even in a country such
as the Netherlands, where social attitudes are more accepting of homosexual
relationships and same-sex couples have the legal right to marry.28
In February 2003, the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology
reported a study of 103 pairs of twins, one of whom homosexually active and the
other not; the twin who was homosexually active was over five times more likely
to experience suicidal symptoms.
If your child thinks he or she may have a homosexual
orientation, above all you want to maintain a loving relationship. You can do
this, however, without approving of homosexual activity. Parents who for moral
or religious reasons do not approve of homosexual sex can stress the distinction
between having an attraction to the same sex and acting on it sexually. All
young persons should be strongly encouraged to practice abstinence to avoid the
physical and psychological dangers of uncommitted sexual activity. The risks of
homosexual activity are even greater than those of heterosexual activity.
Homosexually active males have been found to be at greater risk for HIV,
hepatitis, gonorrhea, anal cancer, and gastrointestinal infections. Homosexually
active females (the great majority of whom, at some point, also have sex with
males) have been found to be at greater risk for bacterial vaginosis, Hepatitis
B and C, and having sex with men who are high-risk for HIV.29 If your
child experiences a homosexual attraction, it's wise to seek competent
professional counseling from someone whose values and beliefs are consistent
with your own. (The psychiatrist Richard P. Fitzgibbons, M.D., is a helpful
source of referrals in this area; email him at
R82488@aol.com)
All parents and teachers, as a matter of moral principle, should also teach
young people to treat every person, regardless of sexual orientation, with love,
justice, and respect.
10. Implement character sex education in schools
Schools, for their part, must do all they can to support parents in helping
young people make sexual decisions that are truly in their best interest and the
best interest of society. The best way to do that is to implement
character-based sex education. Increasingly taught as part of a course on
marriage and parenting (the best context), character-based sex education teaches
five key ideas:
Abstinence is the
only medically safe, emotionally healthy, and morally responsible
choice for unmarried teens. Abstinence means avoiding not only sexual
intercourse but also other forms of genital contact and sexual intimacy that
may lead to intercourse and that in themselves violate true respect for
self, others, and the special meaning of sex.
Condoms don't
make sex physically safe (you can still get pregnant or catch a disease),
emotionally safe (you can still get hurt), or ethically loving (you can't
claim to love someone if you're gambling with their health and happiness).
Abstinence is the
best marriage preparation — not just best "for me" but also best for my
future spouse, my future children, and my community and nation.30
Waiting until
marriage to have sex is an excellent way to develop self-discipline, respect
for others, caring, courage, and other important qualities of character.
If you haven't
waited in the past, you can make a different choice in the future.
One of the most promising ways to implement
character-based sex education is to recruit and train high school students to
teach the curriculum to their younger peers. For example, schools and youth
organizations in more than six states now participate in Peers Educating
Peers, a federally funded abstinence
education project that trains high school juniors and seniors to teach a grades
6-10 curriculum. Says 18-year-old Savannah Smith, who graduated from the
program: "It really helped to hear it from the high school students. They were
close to our age and were encouraging role models."
A. C. Green's
Game Plan is an abstinence curriculum that
stresses making a "game plan" for avoiding and handling pressures and
temptations.31 For teachers and parents of high school students,
Sex and
Character is a highly readable resource
that deals intelligently with sex, love, dating, and marriage. A small book for
teens that presents the medical, moral, emotional, and spiritual reasons to save
sex for marriage is
Sex, Love & You: Making the Right Decision
(Tom and Judy Lickona, with William Boudreau, M. D.).
The Institute
for Youth Development is developing a primer on
marriage that can be easily integrated into any abstinence education course. For
a comprehensive directory of abstinence curricula, books, and speakers, contact
the National
Abstinence Clearinghouse.
One can't emphasize too strongly to young people that in the sexual area of
their lives, as in any area of behavior, they have the power to make a fresh
start. Says a 16-year-old girl: "I've had sex with a lot of guys, but I was
always drunk so I didn't think it mattered. Now I realize that I gave each of
those guys a part of myself. I don't want all that pain anymore. I'm going to
make a new beginning and not have sex again until I'm married."32
If
we truly care about kids, of course, we will do everything we can in our
classrooms and families to help them avoid the pain of premature sex in the
first place. As we prepare to educate our children about this crucial area of
their lives, we would do well to keep in mind the words of the essayist Lance
Morrow: "You cannot light a candle in a high wind. What is needed for adolescent
development to occur is shelter, safety. A context of abstinence is the
beginning of such shelter."33
Finally, if we want to call forth the best in our children, the case for waiting
should go beyond appealing to their self-interest. We should also appeal to
their sense of moral responsibility. We should ask them to consider, What kind
of life do I want for a child that I might bring into the world? Do I want to
give my child every chance to grow up healthy and happy, with two committed
parents? And how do I wish to affect the life of a person I am involved with? Do
I want to have it on my conscience that I caused someone to get a sexually
transmitted disease, lose the ability to have a baby, or suffer emotional
problems?
In
the current culture, sex may often seem like a casual thing. But sex is an act
that is full of consequences. Sex, as one philosopher observed, is essentially
deep. That's a very good reason to save it for marriage, the deepest and most
loving commitment two people can make to each other.
Endnotes:
Bob Bartlett,
"Going All the Way," Momentum (April/May 1993), p. 36.
Abridged from
Choosing the Best (Marietta, GA: Choosing the Best, Inc., 1998).
Sex, Condoms, and STDs: What We Now Know
(Austin: Medical Institute for Sexual Health, 2002),
www.medinstitute.org.
Guenter Levy,
"Religiousness and Social Conduct," paper presented at "Beyond Relativism"
conference, George Washington University, June 1999.
John R. Williams,
"Ethical Sexuality," in T. Devine et al., eds., Cultivating Heart and
Character (Chapel Hill, NC: Character Development Publishing, 2000),
pp. 317-64.
Kim Painter, "The
Sexual Revolution Hits Junior High," USA Today (March 15, 2002).
To access data on sexual activity among high school
students, visit the Centers for Disease Control website,
here.
Centers for
Disease Control, Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance, Morbidity and
Morality Weekly Report 49, no. SS-5 (June 2000).
For poll data,
see Tom and Judy Lickona, with William Boudreau, M.D., Sex, Love & You:
Making the Right Decision (Notre Dame, IN: Ave Maria Press, 1994).
Brent C. Miller,
J. Kelly McCoy, and Terrence D. Olson, "Dating Age and Stage as Correlates
of Adolescent Sexual Attitudes and Behavior," Journal of Adolescent
Research 1, no. 3 (1986), pp. 361-71.
Stan Weed,
Predicting and Changing Teenage Sexual Activity Rates (Salt Lake City:
Institute for Research and Evaluation, 1992).
George Eager,
Love, Dating, and Sex (Valdosta, GA: Mailbox Club Books, 1992).
Lorraine Ali and
Julie Scelfo, "Choosing Virginity," Newsweek (December 9, 2002).
Susan A. Walders "Mourning Life Lost to Hasty
Decision," The American Feminist, 9 (www.feministsforlife.org).
Sex, Condoms,
and STDs.
J. Kikuchi,
"Rhode. Island Develops Successful Intervention Program for Adolescents,"
National Coalition Against Sexual Assault Newsletter (Fall 1988).
D. Orr, M. Beiter,
and G. Ingersoll, "Premature Sexual Activity as an Indicator of Psychosocial
Risk," Pediatrics 87, 1991, pp. 141-47.
Josh McDowell and
Dick Day, Why Wait (San Bernadine: CA: Here's Life Publishers,
1987).
David G. Myers,
The Pursuit of Happiness (New York: Avon, 1993).
I'm indebted for
the first seven of these "rewards of waiting" to Kristine Napier's The
Power of Abstinence (New York: Avon, 1996).
Thanks to Janet
Smith for this point.
Statistics taken
from "The NetValue Report on Minors Online," Business Wire,
December 19, 2000.
Sean Covey,
The 7 Habits of Habits of Highly Effective Teens (New York: Fireside,
1998).
William Byne and
Bruce Parsons, "Human Sexual Orientation: The Biological Theories
Reappraised," in Archives of General Psychiatry, 50, no. 3, 1993,
pp. 228-39.
Robert Michael et
al., Sex in America (University of Chicago Press, 1994).
Gary Remafedi,
"Risk Factors for Attempted Suicide in Gay and Bisexual Youth,"
Pediatrics 87, no. 6 (1991), pp. 869-75.
Theo Sandfort et
al., "Same-Sex Sexual Behavior and Psychiatric Disorders," Archives of
General Psychiatry 58, no. 1, p. 89.
For reviews of the research literature on the physical
and psychological risks associated with same-sex sexual activity, see
The Health Risks of Gay Sex,
by John R. Diggs, Jr., M.D. (available from
diggsthis@aol.com), Health Implications
Associated with Homosexuality, (1999) by the Medical Institute for
Sexual Health (1-800-892-9484), and, from a Catholic perspective,
Homosexuality and Hope
(2000) by the Catholic Medical Association, P.O. Box 757, Pewaukee, WI
53072.
Thanks to Robert
Kittel for this point.
Scott Phelps and
Libby Gray, A. C. Green's Game Plan Abstinence Program (Golf, IL:
Project Reality, 2001).
Mary-Louise
Kurey, Standing with Courage (Huntington, IN: Our Sunday Visitor,
2002), p. 179.
Lance Morrow,
"Fifteen Cheers for Abstinence," Time (October 2, 1995).
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Thomas Lickona "Talk to Kids about Sex, Love, and Character." Chapter 4 in
Character Matters: How to Help Our Children Develop Good Judgment, Integrity,
and Other Essential Virtues (New York: Touchstone, 2004): 83-108.